The situation in Ukraine quickly escalated over the weekend as pictures surfaced of Russian President Vladimir Putin riding a peculiar animal. President Putin is no stranger to shirtless photos. These macho spectacles have become his trademark. International sources have verified the authenticity of an environmental nightmare. Russia has shunned the world of sanity by threatening the safety of a never before seen, Giantus Crimeas Tortoise. The Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of Homeland Security, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, the TSA, PETA, BLM, DOJ, CIA, FBI, Secret Service, all branches of the military, including special forces and snipers have all been raised to high alert status and are moving assets to Eastern Europe. President Obama issued an executive order immediately re-instating the draft to call all able-bodied men to immediate service due to this new development.
Press Secretary, Jay Carney introduced President Obama today who spoke without a Teleprompter.
We are on our way to war. Russian President Vladmir Putin has crossed the point of no return. America has been patient. We turned the other cheek when he just marched right in there and took the Crimea. We sent a strongly worded email as Putin massed thousands of troops on the Ukraine border. We didn’t mind when he inserted covert operatives inside the Ukraine to destabilize the country. I mean really, it’s none of our business how many protestors, rioters, or otherwise patriot-types that Mr. Putin kills. He’s the President of his country and being President definitely has its perks. I didn’t even get mad when he scrambled a fighter jet and buzzed one of our ships like he was Maverick in Top Gun, but those days are over. I transmitted a message to old Vladmir stating that my ‘flexibility’ was done.
The picture of Mr. Putin riding a tortoise is an outrage. Giantus Crimeas Tortoise is a rare species and deserves America’s protection. A special creature like this one is not meant to be ridden by some Russian-KGB-007-Cowboy-Wannabe! This will not stand. I announce a full scale invasion of Eastern Europe. All aircraft carriers are on their way to the surrounding seas. We may nuke him. We may invade, blow him up, extract the turtles, and then nuke him. We’re working that part out. This mission is named, Operation Turtle Pokin’. The days of mass murdering civilians and bullying entire countries is over for Vladmir. He can’t just jump on a turtle and ride it around without UN permission. I have given my troops and commanders complete kill orders. I’ve suspended all rule of law, and dismissed any rights conveyed by the Geneva Convention. This is a bipartisan war, as I have sent choppers for Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney. I need those guys to assist me in killing and torturing any of these turtle-riding bastards.
Operation Turtle Pokin’ will not fail. This naked aggression will be met with force. America will rise to this occasion. Let me be clear, it’s a really, really, rare turtle or tortoise or whatever. We must save that tortoise. We will do it. Nothing will stand in our way and America will be great again. Thank you.
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