The world is exploding with hotspots of terror stretching across nations. But never fear, because The Messenger of Peace is here!
Since the United Nations clearly has nothing better to do with its time right now, it has decided to bestow that coveted title upon Hollywood actor Leonardo DiCaprio, who was last seen banging whores and sniffing coke off of obscene body parts in Martin Scorcese’s The Wolf of Wall Street.
UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon proclaimed that Leo will speak on behalf of environmental issues — most notably global warming — because, according to the Moonster, DiCaprio is a “credible voice in the environmental movement.” Gilbert Grape will begin his new job next week, as he is set to deliver a speech in front of more than 100 global leaders at the UN’s climate change summit. No word yet on whether he’ll travel in his private jet, but his hotel accommodations will likely shock even Jordan Belfort.
It’s been a long road for Mr. Messenger, who has been working with his uncreatively titled Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation since 1998 in an effort to save the whales, protect the polar ice caps, and pretty much just be a bro.
The Messenger of Peace had better be careful, however, as other celebrities who have been working for years on behalf of the UN — from George Clooney to Angelina Jolie — have not been knighted with such an epic title. Jealousy may abound.
Metta World Peace could not be reached for comment. But he is believed to be rather pissed that his namesake has been infringed upon.
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