I often think to myself: wouldn’t it be simply amazing if my underwear could protect me from harmful radiation?

It looks as if my prayers have been answered.

Introducing Wireless Armour Underpants! A Scottish scientist named Joseph Perkins claims that the metal he has woven into the prototype Wireless Armour underwear (pictured below) creates a small Faraday cage that will save you from 99.9% of all radiation. Now we can all feel free to have a seat on top of our microwave ovens without fear. Or whatever it is you’re supposed to do while wearing these things.

Perkins says the pants are becoming more and more essential because of falling sperm counts, a phenomenon which he believes is a result of of the smartphones, tablets, and other electronic toys we’re using every day. According to Joseph, the cage–invented way back in the 1800’s by Michael Faraday–distributes all electromagnetic radiation evenly around it.

“The communications systems in parliament and vital military installations are all protects by Faraday cages to stop them being interfered with. Now you can protect your most valuable assets too with Wireless Armour,” proclaims Perkins on his fundraising Indiegogo page. “This covers the entire range of radiation emitted by wireless devices, from voice and texts through to 4G and Wi-Fi.”

Joseph says he needs to raise £30,000 in order to go into production, and early backers of the project can snag a pair of skivvies for just £14. It will rise to £24 for later backers.

So, are you ready to help stop the wireless generation from becoming the last generation? Personally, I don’t know how I ever survived without a pair of these. Then again, I don’t have any children. Hmmm…

Let’s just hope Mr. Perkins was smart enough to make these things comfortable. Otherwise, he’ll never win over a particular demographic that likes to be…well, free: