The problems that arise from having a mouth is that sometimes they open. It’s even worse when the owner doesn’t know how to keep it shut. But, when it comes to liberal Democrats, it has become an epidemic…and they just cannot contain themselves. Especially when it comes to the financially driven fear-fest known as climate change…because, you know…we’re all going to die.

Ladies, and Gents, I present to you…

10 Things Liberals Insanely Link To Global Warming:

1) Global Warming Causes Rape

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cuz global warming be raping everyone up in here! Back in February, the “brilliant” minds at Mother Jones published an article claiming that global warming will cause an increase of 180,000 rapes by the year 2099. The good news is that if you’re reading this article, you won’t be around for the neighborhood rape parties, but the bad news, unfortunately, is that people actually believe this stuff.

2) The Koch Brothers

According to Sen. Harry Reid, the billionaire capitalists—who literally wrote the book on free market enterprise—are to blame for climate change. No joke. The Senate Majority Leader recently took to the senate floor to continue his obsession with the libertarian dynamic duo, stating that they’re “one of the main causes of climate change”.

3) Rising Beer Cost

In 2008, the Associated Press claimed that due to climate change the production of malting barley will decline over the next 30 years making the price of beer rise. I don’t even know what to say. Just in case this happens, here’s a back-up plan for you to catch a buzz without needing malt barley.

4) Global Warming Makes You Cheat

According to a survey by Victoria Milan—a dating site for couples to cheat on their significant other—your infidelities and lack of self-control may be a side effect of the hot summer weather, not your libido as previously thought. Note to Readers: Avoid places like Miami, California, Texas, South Carolina and just vacation in Alaska. Your marriage is depending on it.

5) Global Warming Makes You Fat

Worse than Bloomberg’s big gulp crusade comes an article from the Huffington Post, stating that the increase of C02 in the atmosphere affects the hormones in our brain known as orexin neurons, which stimulate eating. The research, according to HuffPo, is admittedly early and thin (not sure if pun was intended), but decided to publish the article anyway. But if you’re not buying it, don’t worry, they made sure to throw the Koch Brothers in the mix, just for good measure. Why not? Fact-checking is totally overrated.

6) The Missing Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370

Making their 2^nd appearance on this list, our dear friends at Mother Jones have made another outrageous claim. Of course you remember when the Malaysian airplane vanished into thin air? It’s the story that reminded everyone that CNN still exists. They believe that the reason no one can locate the missing plane is because of “climate-affected currents,” also sometimes referred to as “Koch Brother currents”.

7) HIV/AIDS

If being an adulterous fat guy isn’t enough for you to worry about (see numbers 4 & 5), I’ve got some bad news for you. According to a totally legit news source, the environmental changes associated with global warming may increase the number of people affected by HIV/AIDS. In addition, those affected may see major changes in the intensity of the virus.

8) Cannibalism…Seems Legit…The Guy Who Founded CNN Said So

A few years ago, media tycoon Ted Turner and his mustache sat down for an interview with PBS’s Charlie Rose to discuss his $1 billion donation to the United Nations…and his thoughts on the environment. Ted “The mustache” Turner seems to think that the increase of temperature across the globe will lead to mass famine, and death like “Somalia or Sudan”. The mustache rider goes even further to state that the ones who survive will be cannibals.

9) Penguin Sex

What happens when you combine a researcher studying the breeding patterns of penguins in the Antarctic, with a group of penguins simply trying to get laid? You get the worst wingman in science history. According to an article on Grist.org, climate change is affecting the mating patterns of three Antarctic species of penguins causing them to change the time, and location (aka A/S/L). Current reports only suggest a drop in the number of species by the year 2052.

10) Child Prostitution

Sh*t Just got real! A study done by the Thomson Reuters Foundation claims that climate change is a major factor in the rise of sexual violence, and forced marriages amongst girls between the ages of 13 to 18 years-old around the world. In places like Somalia, Ethiopia, and Bangladesh, girls are frequently becoming known as “famine brides,” where they’re exchanged for money so the family can buy food. The article is a sobering read, and a painful reminder of how sometimes evil prevails. But the political spin, and forced comparisons of climate change and rape, makes me wonder what the purpose of the message truly was. I just hope that politics doesn’t outweigh human life.