Watch the NFL’s Roger Goodell Reveal the Solution to Everything in the History of Ever

These are dark days for the National Football League. We’ve gone from seeing the NFL look the other way for years on domestic abuse and other crimes (like murder) to seeing them now crack down on everyone so hard that I wouldn’t be surprised to see them suspend a player who spanked his child with a slice of bread.

It’s all a classic case of CYA from the League’s Commissioner Roger Goodell, of course. But no one is really buying it, and some deeper changes will have to be made one way or another. The question is whether him losing his coveted occupation will be among those changes. There’s already been talk of turning his job into a “shared” position with someone else, which could conceivably happen…but I’d imagine Mr. Goodell wouldn’t be too pleased about it.

Meanwhile, Roger delivered a press conference on Friday afternoon that’s been described as “Nixonian” at best. I’ve even heard it compared to Tricky Dick’s “Checkers” speech of 1952, in which the former president attempted to flip public perception of a growing scandal in his favor. Instead, Goodell made himself look more like the “I am not a crook” version of Nixon that’s become etched into all of our brains over the years. Goodell’s careful parsing of the English language did little to make himself look good here, and his frequent repetition of certain phrases was downright bizarre.

Among his go-to answers for just about everything? “Experts.” That’s right; “experts” can apparently solve every issue plaguing the National Football League, from domestic violence to sweaty gym socks. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the montage above, courtesy of our “expert” friends at Grabien.